Whinging

Yester­day was large­ly a lost day for me. I was in too much pain and too down, as a result, to get much of any­thing done. I went to one class on Tues­day, the one with hor­rid chairs. Just sit­ting in the damned thing for about an hour—even with putting my feet up in anoth­er chair—set off a fresh round of nasty pain, espe­cial­ly the sci­at­i­ca-type stuff. 

Not being able to go to the Tues­day night class put me in a seri­ous funk, and while I got a wee bit bet­ter last night (with sam­bear’s help), it’s return­ing now. But I spent most of yes­ter­day (after I final­ly got up, very grog­gi­ly and very late) star­ing at the ceil­ing from the bed, wish­ing I could either be obliv­i­ous or productive.

I don’t think I can get through the whole degree pro­gram with­out hav­ing to be in a class­room like that. Car­ry­ing my own, more com­fort­able chair and a writ­ing sur­face around isn’t real­ly practical—I’m hav­ing to use a rolling bag just for my books. While sam­bear is incred­i­bly help­ful, dri­ving me around and all (I can’t dri­ve safe­ly at the moment), he is look­ing for work and can’t real­ly be expect­ed to fol­low me about full-time tot­ing fur­ni­ture and so on. 

The dis­abil­i­ties office final­ly came through with two URLs of online course providers that I could use to fin­ish my remain­ing core class­es and pos­si­bly even take a few major class­es. While the cred­its would be accept­ed by SPSU, and one of the sites is with­in the uni­ver­si­ty sys­tem, there’s no way set up to let me use my exist­ing finan­cial aid award to pay for those class­es. My incred­i­bly won­der­ful advi­sor is try­ing to find out how I can do that, which is very helpful.

In the mean­time, I missed class again today. I’m more depressed. I don’t want to do any­thing. Well, that isn’t pre­cise­ly true. I want to do many things, but I can’t do them, or can’t do them well. My brain is too fuzzy to con­cen­trate on assign­ments or most of the things I need to get done. 

I hate this. I hate being so use­less and unpro­duc­tive. I hate being depen­dent on oth­er peo­ple for any­thing at all, espe­cial­ly real­ly basic things like help get­ting out of the tub safe­ly and get­ting to class. I can’t even keep the house as clean as it should be right now. I can’t go out bike rid­ing with Katie or do the oth­er things I want to do with her. I don’t want to talk to anyone—I’m not answer­ing the phone or email mes­sages for the most part—because it just takes too much ener­gy to do so.

I tried to write in my paper jour­nal, but it takes more phys­i­cal effort. That’s pathetic.