Yesterday was largely a lost day for me. I was in too much pain and too down, as a result, to get much of anything done. I went to one class on Tuesday, the one with horrid chairs. Just sitting in the damned thing for about an hour—even with putting my feet up in another chair—set off a fresh round of nasty pain, especially the sciatica-type stuff.
Not being able to go to the Tuesday night class put me in a serious funk, and while I got a wee bit better last night (with sambear‘s help), it’s returning now. But I spent most of yesterday (after I finally got up, very groggily and very late) staring at the ceiling from the bed, wishing I could either be oblivious or productive.
I don’t think I can get through the whole degree program without having to be in a classroom like that. Carrying my own, more comfortable chair and a writing surface around isn’t really practical—I’m having to use a rolling bag just for my books. While sambear is incredibly helpful, driving me around and all (I can’t drive safely at the moment), he is looking for work and can’t really be expected to follow me about full-time toting furniture and so on.
The disabilities office finally came through with two URLs of online course providers that I could use to finish my remaining core classes and possibly even take a few major classes. While the credits would be accepted by SPSU, and one of the sites is within the university system, there’s no way set up to let me use my existing financial aid award to pay for those classes. My incredibly wonderful advisor is trying to find out how I can do that, which is very helpful.
In the meantime, I missed class again today. I’m more depressed. I don’t want to do anything. Well, that isn’t precisely true. I want to do many things, but I can’t do them, or can’t do them well. My brain is too fuzzy to concentrate on assignments or most of the things I need to get done.
I hate this. I hate being so useless and unproductive. I hate being dependent on other people for anything at all, especially really basic things like help getting out of the tub safely and getting to class. I can’t even keep the house as clean as it should be right now. I can’t go out bike riding with Katie or do the other things I want to do with her. I don’t want to talk to anyone—I’m not answering the phone or email messages for the most part—because it just takes too much energy to do so.
I tried to write in my paper journal, but it takes more physical effort. That’s pathetic.
