Note: This article can be useful for those who are the victims of infidelity, but I wrote another article particularly for them as well.
Frequently, newcomers to various poly groups introduce themselves with a tale of woe. Alas, after entering into a committed monogamous relationship (usually a marriage), the poor person has just discovered that they are, in fact, polyamorous. In most cases, the newcomer has already strayed into infidelity and wishes to have their cake and eat it too now. They ask for advice regarding how they can convince their spouse to accept the relationship with the new lover so that they can all live happily ever after.
The newcomer, who I’ll call Chris, is usually surprised to find that they are not, in fact, welcomed with open arms. Most of us are very hostile to people who cheat on their partners and call it polyamory because that has absolutely nothing to do with actual polyamory.
Chris is frequently seeking advice on how to introduce the topic of polyamory to their spouse. I figure it’s better to be honest at some point instead of never doing so, so here is my advice to Chris.
My Experience
I feel a need to be utterly honest about several things right up front: in over 30 years of being polyamorous and knowing other poly people, I have never, not even once, personally known anyone who has been able to move from an affair in a monogamous relationship to a healthy polyamorous relationship involving the same people. I’ve known of people who cheated on their partners in monogamous relationships who later moved on to be polyamorous, but they did not salvage the original monogamous relationship.
I’ve known people whose spouses cheated on them in monogamous relationships who ended the monogamous relationship, then went on to explore polyamory very happily themselves. (That fact surprises a fair number of those seeking help in this situation.) What you have to realize is that the real issue between you and your spouse right now is not polyamory or sex. It is your betrayal of the agreements between the two of you. It is about your dishonesty and dishonorable behavior. You have broken your spouse’s trust.
What to Do Now
Now that you’re coming clean, you’d better do so completely. I mean 100% truth, absolutely, no holds barred, no little omissions, no “spinning” anything. Tell the raw truth about who, where, when, what happened, how long, etc. Don’t even think about leaving out past indiscretions. Don’t fool yourself that they don’t need to know all of that or that you’re “protecting them.” We’re talking about radical honesty in its truest sense. If you haven’t yet read Brad Blanton’s book on the subject you should do so immediately. Take it to heart. Do the exercises. Devour it, digest it, and make it a part of you.
Second, accept full culpability. Do not even allow yourself to maybe think just a little bit of this is anyone’s fault but your own. You are an adult. No matter what your emotions are, you are in control of your actions. No matter what the relationship with your spouse was like, whether they “just (didn’t) understand (you),” you aren’t getting as much sex as you’d like, you just aren’t so attracted to them anymore, or you want to explore things that don’t interest them, the transgression is completely your fault. It doesn’t matter how much effort your sweetie put into seducing or attracting you. You chose to cheat. It’s All Your Fault. Accept it, know it, proclaim it.
Your next step is to decide what you truly want. Do you want to be with your spouse? Do you want to be with your spouse only if they agree to you remaining with your sweetie? Be sure to think about all the ramifications this is going to have. What effects will a divorce, opening your marriage to polyamorous relationships, or you breaking up with your sweetie and remaining in a monogamous marriage (truly, without straying again) have on your children, your extended family, your friends, your career, yourself? Are you honestly willing to do the very hard work over an extended period of time that it’ll take to just have a good marriage, let alone to have healthy polyamorous relationships?
Confession
If you’ve decided that you truly want to stay with your spouse and have your sweetie too, and you’re willing to do the work, it’s time to talk to your spouse.
Note: DO NOT confide in anyone other than a professional therapist until after you have come clean to your partner. No matter how tempting it is and how much you want someone else’s advice, having another friend or family member know about your infidelities before they do will be another kind of betrayal. If they hear so much as a whisper about your affairs from anybody but you, they will be humiliated and you will be in even deeper trouble. No, you don’t owe any other lovers a warning that you are coming clean to your spouse.
Admit all that culpability. Engage in full disclosure, radical honesty-style. You might, in fact, want to consider doing this with a very good marriage counselor present. I strongly advise it. Ask your spouse to let you talk until you’re finished and tell them everything. When you’re done talking, it’s their turn to talk until they’re finished. Let them say anything they want to say, ask questions, etc. Answer any questions they have fully and honestly. I’d suggest having some kind of printed materials on hand about polyamory. Ask that they read the material and consider the idea. You most certainly cannot present yourself as any kind of authority or as an unbiased source, now can you? You may need to confess in one session, and then talk about polyamory in another.
Be Prepared
They may want some space at this point because they’ll need processing time. That’s normal. In fact, they may not want you in the home you share together. Be ready to stay elsewhere if they don’t want you anywhere near them. If you arrived in one vehicle for a counseling session, consider ahead of time how you will get home or to your alternate destination. If you can have an overnight bag ready without alarming them, do that.
Prepare yourself to accept their anger and resentment, to acknowledge their right to those feelings, and to support them in expressing the feelings in a healthy way. Don’t assume that they’ll forgive you, or that they’ll be willing to do anything to work on salvaging your relationship. They might, in fact, walk out to call a divorce lawyer. They are certainly within their rights to do so.
The Spouse’s Reaction
Your spouse has several decisions to make now. The first is to determine whether or not they can trust you at all now. Are they able to forgive the harm you’ve done, and is your marriage even worth the work it’s going to take to salvage it? If they confide in their friends and family, it is highly likely that those people will be telling your partner to dump you, or at the very least to not even consider opening your relationship in any way. Expect a lot of negativity from them towards you, and accept that you deserve it.
One caution: many people, when faced with the knowledge that their spouse has been unfaithful, will have a “revenge affair” of their own. It’s never healthy, but it is common.
Next, if they have decided that they can trust you or that the trust between you can be rebuilt, what do they think of polyamory? They’re likely to have a pretty negative view of it if their first introduction to it is from a philanderer. Many people assume that polyamory is just a way of prettifying swinging or infidelity anyway, which is one reason those of us who are polyamorous are so offended by cheaters who want to claim that they’re really polyamorous.
If your spouse decides to forgive you, there’s something you need to keep in mind: “forgiveness” does not mean, “I’m forgetting what happened and everything is like it used to be.” Expect periodic recurrences of any initial explosions of anger, shame, grief, and pain.
Is Polyamory Possible?
If they’re willing to try polyamory (or a mono-poly relationship), are they willing to try it with you? Polyamorous relationships require even more trust, respect, work, and healthy communication from those involved in them than monogamous relationships do. Part of that is because they are not our cultural norm, and part of it is because every person added to a relationship or network of relationships increases its complexity and potential for problems. You have already demonstrated a great lack of respect for them, your commitments, and yourself. You have broken the lines of communication between you. You are not looking like a great candidate for healthy polyamory right now.
If you get past those hurdles you have another big one. If they’re willing to try polyamory with you, are they willing to agree to your involvement with your sweetie, who has already shown a total disregard for the spouse’s relationship with you? Remember, your spouse probably has no prior history or love for your sweetie, so there’s absolutely nothing to ameliorate the stark betrayal they have experienced at the hands of your lover. Yes, your lover has betrayed your spouse if they had any idea that you were in a monogamous relationship. Your lover has proven themselves to be a dishonorable person every bit as much as you have.
Return to Monogamy?
You don’t get to unilaterally change the rules of your relationship with your spouse. If you decide that you must remain involved with your other lover, and your spouse wants a monogamous relationship, then you’re looking at a situation that does not contain any possibility for compromise.
If your spouse says that they are willing to stay with you in a monogamous marriage if you’re willing to do that, that’s their choice. It is their right to make that choice without being badgered by you. If you agree to it, do not do so with any kind of ulterior motive or long-term agenda of changing their mind. Break things off with your lover forever. It is safest to avoid any contact with the lover at all.
If you can’t agree to the monogamous marriage your partner wants, the marriage is over. You should both proceed to work out the most amicable and least damaging way to move forward.
Giving Polyamory a Chance
If both of you decide that you want to be together and are willing to try polyamory, then both of you really need to practice radical honesty as you proceed. Investigate the different ways that other people live polyamory. Meet polyamorous people and get to know them. Don’t even consider looking for more lovers right now. (Polyamorous people have a derisive saying for that, “Relationship broken, add more people.”) Talk to people who are willing to open up and tell you about how they work out issues like jealousy, resources, child care, safer sex, etc. Meet people face to face, not just online. A thorough search should find a polyamorous networking or support group in your area, or at least in the nearest major metropolitan area. You want to get to know people well enough to truly see how they live, not just the faces they choose to present online. Be honest with them about your situation.
Be extremely honest with each other about what you do and do not like, and what you want to try. If something doesn’t work for both of you, be willing to give it up and move on to something else. There’s no One True Way to live polyamory other than being honest, open, and loving with all the people with whom you are involved.
Keep trying. Remember that this is a completely new relationship paradigm for both of you and that you probably haven’t grown up with any role models for it. That’s actually good in some ways, but it can cause you to feel lost in the woods.
Realize that while you are looking at what you want and don’t want in your relationships, you’re likely to find yourself questioning a lot of things you may have taken for granted in your life. Everything from how you will live to just what sex means to you and to what constitutes a relationship is up for redefinition now. Some people find that their religious beliefs are not supportive of polyamory and end up seeking a new spiritual path.
Go very, very slowly. Do not rush. Your relationship is worth the investment of time, care, and energy it will take to heal your relationship with your spouse and explore new options. Be patient with yourself, your partner(s), and your relationships. Go as slow as is comfortable for the most conservative, possibly-reluctant person involved.
Get Help!
Again, a good marriage counselor can be a godsend in this process. Someone who is accepting and supportive of both polyamory and monogamy is best. It isn’t always easy to find poly-friendly counselors, but I have found that good therapists are often more open to considering polyamory as a workable relationship model than you may think. The Open List is a good place to start looking.
If you’re introducing the idea of polyamory to a counselor with whom you already have an established relationship, point them to What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory (PDF) and Working With Polyamorous Clients in the Clinical Setting. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff has also written a good article, Where Therapists and Counselors Can Learn About Polyamory. If you’re seeking a new therapist, ask them on the phone about their past experiences, if any, with polyamory or ethical non-monogamy. Ask that they read those articles before your first appointment if they are willing to work with a polyamorous person or couple in a supportive way. If so, immediately drop off or email the articles to give them time to read and consider the material.
Good luck!
Yes, lovers have a right to expect honesty, love, and respect. You act in an unloving, disrespectful, and dishonest manner when you cheat. When you cannot keep your commitments, it is up to you to say that, before you break them — you renegotiate.
This article is specifically about transitioning a particular relationship from cheating to polyamory, and not intended as anything else.
Perhaps your article could be a little more forgiving, or at least understanding, though. It seems to me adequate to say, ‘We don’t condone cheating and cheating is not a polyamory choice. If you’re a cheater and have figured out that you are poly, then great. Don’t cheat anymore. Also don’t expect to be forgiven for your cheating, but I wish you luck in that regard and am sorry you felt you had to turn to cheating in order to gain your own personal fulfillment. So long as you’re adamant that you will not cheat any longer, then follow these steps to (try) to explain to your significant other what poly is, what it entails and what s/he should think about in considering your innate sexual being if you really are poly. But keep in mind that if you’re secretly just wanting to cheat and justify it, none of this will work and you’ll just hurt more people. So think through what you really are before you go talking and don’t cheat ever again.’
It seems, instead, that the tone in your article is one of condemnation of people who are very likely struggling. People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons and bashing them here is not going to help them or their partners who are suffering at their hands.
I don’t know how you get violence from honesty, Emanuele. The fact is that the cheater chose to act in an unloving manner by breaking the trust in his relationship with his monogamous partner. Acts have consequences, and unloving acts frequently have unlovely consequences. Had he chosen to act WITH love and comport himself honestly and honorably, much hurt could have been avoided. There would still be no guarantees, but without broken trust, it would at least be more likely that his monogamous partner would be willing to go forward and try polyamory with him.
FMF, there is no reason to cheat. Full stop. If you think you’ve found one, go ahead and share it — but I’m reasonably certain that it’s going to be something that I and most others have heard before. If you cannot abide by the commitments you’ve made, the only honorable thing to do is to end your relationship. One person cannot declare a transition to a polyamorous relationship. That’s a unilateral decision, and it takes at least two people to be in relationship.
My intention in writing this article was not to “piss all over” anyone, but if you feel pissed on, I’m not going to invalidate your feelings.
By the way, I parsed the post and comments, also mine, and I really have the feeling that I ended up in some sort of scientology people. Hank that goes on saying that “when two people agree to a monogamous relationship, fidelity is one of the most important elements of that agreement”, which begs the question, as well as Cyn, insisting smartly that ” there is no reason to cheat”.
I was asking to give us, please, reasons, something like arguments, but it seems that just love can be without limits, minds, oh my, they seem surrounded by Donald Trump’s Mexican Wall
Hi there Keith. I don’t immediately know of such an article, but would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I’ve been cheated on in a poly relationship before, and honestly, I think the coping info is going to be the same for anyone dealing with a partner’s infidelity. I’ve got an article in mind, now that I think about it. Give me a day or so, okay? But go ahead and ask any questions you have, please. Feel free to use the Contact form to send them privately if that’s preferable.
Hi Keith. I wrote that article. It’s at https://technomom.com/love/coping-with-infidelity/ .
If you discover that you’re poly when you’re in a monogamous relationship, the ethical, honorable thing to do is to let your partner know about this change. THEN you proceed to negotiate any changes in your agreements — you don’t go out screwing around. Don’t try to make excuses about “the commitments that your partner thought you had with them” — if you were in a monogamous relationship, you had a commitment to be exclusive to each other. Deciding that you are poly doesn’t excuse cheating, lying, or dishonesty. One doesn’t simply fall into these things — you make a conscious decision to commit those acts.
Nobody said you had to do that — I said that you have to come clean, expect consequences, and deal with them. Don’t blame your partner for being angry and feeling betrayed. If you value your relationship, that’s what you’ll do.
Obviously, my world is NOT one where everyone is “pure and innocent and never does anything wrong” or there wouldn’t be a need for this article at all.
What? No, polyamory is “the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved” — that has nothing to do with believing that sexual and love-related fidelity are “sort of a mirage.” That kind of belief just sets you up for unethical behavior.
As a lot people stated broken trust hurts just as much as physical pain
Hello Frank. I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through. I wish you well in the process.
That depends on the woman — I’m really sensitive to hormones, so I started getting sick within a week, which is why I went to the doctor and found out that I was pregnant. That’s pretty unusual, though (surprised my doctor, too).
If you suspect a pregnancy, ask her if she had unprotected sex with him — that would open up other concerns, as well. If you’ve had sex with her since, you would need to get tested right away for STDs and again in 6 months or so.
Hi there. I don’t really understand how your story is relevant, unless your triad developed after initial cheating?
Sorry about the droning on. This just seemed like a good place, with people who have been through what I’m going through right now.
Jessica, I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a terrible experience. Whatever your husband and this woman had (have?) going on, it isn’t polyamory, which is ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory requires the informed consent of all involved parties.
I would urge you to remember that no “homewrecking whore” can do a thing without the active participation of a man who is eager to stray. Don’t let your husband get away with blaming his girlfriend for whatever has happened. He’s an adult. He made commitments to you, she did not — and he is responsible for upholding those commitments or being honest about ending the marriage.
I wish you all the best.
Hello, Monica. I’ll be honest — you might not be able to “get over” the broken trust with this partner. It might be broken irreparably. Your partner has been an irresponsible ass, and it’s understandable that you have a lot of difficult emotions.
I would strongly advise that you do everything in the world to take care of you right now — seek out a great therapist just for you, lean heavily on your friends and family as a support system, and demand time from him for your healing.
You don’t have the right to tell your partner they cannot see someone else, but you do have the right to tell they can’t do that and be with you. So you have to decide, now, if what you have with them is worth staying with someone who broke your trust.
If you do decide to explore polyamory, you should know that it requires trust and open communication. Cheating is absolutely the opposite of that. As someone who is willing to engage in cheating, your current partner is not a good candidate for polyamory.
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey.
I could, but the authors of More Than Two already did, so why reinvent the wheel? From their glossary:
“CHEATING: In a relationship, any activity that violates the rules or agreements of that relationship, whether tacit or explicit.”
remember there is another person in this and you certainly not taking into consideration any betrayals from that side as well…
example:
guy and girl fall in lust, girl intentionally gets pregnant, guy marries to be father and finds out later it was planned… would that be an extenuating circumstance?
also assuming one used an escort for just the physical act… and did so for the reason of not wanting a “relationship” outside of the marriage is that considered as bad?
what about sexless marriages? how is that factored into a conversion?
I don’t know why people try to convert monogamous relationships to poly ones, Rich. It seldom works. But I’m not the one trying it.
I don’t care how many examples you give of whatever has gone wrong — two wrongs don’t make a right.
If your spouse deceived you in some way or you don’t find the relationship tenable, leave. Don’t cheat.
— guy / girl get married…
— girl determines that she doesn’t want another kid and even though she is baptist figures that sex is only for children… of course, she said nothing before marriage (which actually is a grounds for divorce in itself)
— guy / girl have fight and where he states that at some point he will find a venue..
— guy / girl get along well otherwise and they have a son together due to premarital relations…
if guy goes to excort, is he cheating? (He did tell her that it was only a matter of time…)
Your “extenuating circumstances” are excuses. Common sense and logic HAVE to be included when trying to debate. Come back to me when you decide to bring up valid points instead of trolling.
Hi KJ. Thanks for letting me know it was useful!
Hello, Joo. I’m not sure where you got an idea that I think all polyamorous people are cheaters. I’m poly, and I’ve never cheated in my life. Nor do I say anywhere that polyamory is always about sex.
When you find that your feelings are incompatible with the agreements you have in your relationship(s), it’s time to renegotiate those agreements — not break them. That’s black and white, not grey.
I know he was scared I’d leave if he told me that he was having an affair and was poly. But he took it so far. He is trying really hard to try and fix this, but I’m scared we can’t be fixed, and that I wont be able to move on if he insists on holding onto his relationship with her. I dont’ feel like I can veto their relationship because it would destroy our… and I don’t want to force him to chose… only he can make those choices, and when he does I will need to make my own.
Hello Del,
I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this!
Might I suggest that you ask him to read this article? Also, this article might be a little more applicable to your situation.
Take care of yourself!
My partner has admitted to being in love with this other woman and feels that no matter what they do they will have regrets. I have said well its too late for that we already have regrets don’t we.
He is going to see this other woman on Wednesday this week to talk things through with them. I have made it clear as far as I believe that I am not comfortable with him continuing a relationship with this woman and that her being in the picture will only throw wood on the fire of an already toxic situation We have organised t see a poly friendly therapist this week, although after he has seen this other woman. I hope that they can help.
Yes I have been reading though your articles. At first I had been trying to force myself to be OK with him being with both of us, but now I am really starting to want to put my foot down on this specific relationship.
Good for you on putting your foot down! I hope you have a good support network to take care of you in this stressful time.
I cheated twice in my relationship with my partner of 4 years. However, they were not affairs but ‘drunken’ one night stands. Both times I called my partner the day of, or next morning and let him know what happened (to the best of my ability but never with too many details partially because I never remembered every detail but also because he never asked and I think it hurt enough to know I had been intimate with someone else). I’ve experienced a lot guilt and shame for these actions and we have done the best we can to move forward (we have never done therapy but we try and talk about things very openly). Our situation is still cheating obviously but it still feels different because there has never really been any lying involved. And both of those hook ups were not with the same person. I wish I could get into both situations and explain it all but it’s long and they’re not my proudest moments (I fell into deep depression after both). I have mental health issues so I’ve been doing my own individual therapy and have really been trying to work on moving forward from these two incidents. My partner has forgiven me and never throws it in my face. I’ve questioned whether I’m polyamorous though and we have discussed the possibility of being open but he is very unsure (for good reason) and I told him I’d never force him if he doesn’t want to be but the conversation has occurred more often than not in recent months as I’ve been feeling less connected and more of a need to connect with others (more specifically in friendships BUT given the fact that I’ve been attracted to friends before and I have cheated through these two one night stands I genuinely think maybe I am polyamorous but I don’t want to lie to my partner so like I said we often talk these things out and I often let him know when I have “little crushes”)
Anyways this is kind of a long tangent. He seems to be open a bit to some extent of trying it out but reading a lot about it and finding information about whether it can work after cheating is stressing me out. I have been chatting with people through online platforms (again my partner knows) and although it’s been very friendly and just genuinely good conversation the thought of what if I do end up liking this person comes up in my head a lot. My partner and I have discussed this but he just said he doesn’t fully understand so I don’t push him on the manner. I guess my question is that,
Can polyamorous work in this type of situation? Or am I fooling myself thinking that it could even though there was no ‘long term affair’?
Idk. I have so many thoughts about it and I’m sure my partner does too. I just want genuine advice without the judgement of my previous acts (because I am genuinely not proud of them and wish I could take them back) but at the same time after something like this happens so unexpectedly, not planned it causes me to question not only my loyalty but also, whether I am polyamorous. I also want to say I take full responsibility for my actions and have never tried to blame my partner. I think a large part of it does have to do with self sabotage and such (on my end). I know they were mistakes but I haven’t fully forgiven myself but I also feel like I crave connections with others while still loving and fully wanting to support my partner. I don’t know. This is all very confusing.
My situation is a bit different, and wanted to see if you had any advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for a couple months, and before we got into a relationship he was very aware that we would be in some type of polyamorous relationship. We were waiting for him to be more comfortable with the idea (he said he was willing to try it out for himself, not just for me). I was always the one bringing it up, asking about it, etc.
About a month or so ago, I found out that my ex/child’s father was having a baby with one my friends from high school. She and I stop talking after I graduated high school, but I still considered her a good friend because of how close we were in school. Anyways, finding this out hurt a lot. I think if it was some random girl, I wouldn’t feel as hurt. This situation also made me realize that the feelings I thought I had gotten over were still there. It also made me ponder on the fact that he wasn’t really there for me when I was pregnant like he is for her (I am glad he is doing it right this time, but it still hurts). I always wish things had turned out differently between us and we could be a happy family.
I bring this situation up because it lead me to cheating on my boyfriend with my ex. It was 100% my fault, of course, and I acted based on feelings and heartbreak. Like you said, there is no reason to cheat, but it happened and it doesn’t just go away. I did tell my bf two weeks later and he still wants to work things out with me. He also knows that the polyamorous relationship situation isn’t just going to go away because we both want to try it (I know I want to try it more because he has expressed that if he could just be with only me, he would be, but he knows that’s not what I want).
Do you have any advice on how to go about the polyamorous relationship lifestyle after this situation? Is it still the same advice as stated above?
Thanks again for taking your time to write this article.
Hi Nicole,
I can understand grieving for what might have been, and we’re often vulnerable while we’re grieving. I hope you’ve given yourself time to feel that grief fully now.
My advice is the same as above. You and your partner have gotten past the disclosure stage without breaking up, which is great. If possible, I would add that you should try therapy (if it’s accessible to you) to explore the feelings that led you to cheat and how that might be avoided in the future. We all have vulnerable times throughout our lives, and a therapist might be able to help you build better coping skills.
Best of luck to you and your partner!
I get the impression that the author thinks cheating is the greatest sin in the world.. It ain’t, not even to the offended partner unless they’ve been totaly brainwashed by this brand of morality.
It reminds me of those women who discovered their husbands watched pornography and by their response, you’d think they caught their husbands blatantly having sex with a stranger in front of them…And all the advice from the forum is, ‘He’s a cheater! Divorce him!’.
If a person has a high sexual drive but a dead bedroom and every effort was made to improve it but no luck, so they found a spot of passion elsewhere, this author would send them to hell for their unforgivable sin.
Sex and passion for some, is only marginally less important then food..
Would the author condemn a literally starving person for stealing food?
I’m an atheist. No, I don’t think “cheating is the greatest sin in the world,” as I don’t even believe in sin. Cheating is, however, a serious offense. It damages the trust between partners, and if you can’t trust your partner you can’t be intimate in the fullest sense of the word.
It doesn’t matter how high your sex drive is. If you’re an ethical person, you’ll renegotiate the terms of your relationship or end the relationship. If you can’t don’t live up to the agreements you have with your partner, you aren’t ethical.
Likening sex to food is a false equivalency. You will not die for lack of sex.