Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

I was one of several people who started the first major poly group in Atlanta, Poly Southeast. I started the website, another guy ran the main mailing list, I got a PSE personals list going, etc. Altogether there were fewer than ten people to whom we loosely referred as “the Poly Southeast Council.” After maybe 15-20 years, Atlanta Polyamory grew out of what we had started.

Over time, we saw lots and lots of people come and go. And there was one type of person (or couple or other units) who some came to refer to as “seeking the unicorn.” The introductory post usually read something like this: “Happily married couple seeks bi female to join our family, 20–30 years old, height/weight proportional.” Frequently, these people wanted someone to help raise their kids but who didn’t have/want any of her own. I still see the same unicorn seekers today in poly fora everywhere.

Guess what? Just knowing that a couple is specifically looking for a bi female to be with them sexually is enough to send most single bisexual females running. Do you know why? Because there are too damned many people out there wanting a ménage á trois fantasy that would be better fulfilled by hiring a sex worker. They just want some bi female, any bi female—they aren’t interested in a particular woman because of who she is. They want a female to have sexual experiences with. That’s it. Bi female as a sex toy, there ya go.

This is not a flattering thought, just in case anyone was wondering. While I imagine there might be someone who would be happy to simply be used to kickstart someone’s sex life, it isn’t what anyone I have ever known is seeking in a relationship. And polyamory is about relationships—not just sex.

What I find even more offensive is when a guy is looking for a bisexual woman to have sex with his wife, and it sounds like his wife probably isn’t even involved with this process. I have, in fact, seen someone who was certain that his wife would really like having sex with another woman, even though she didn’t want to do so, and wanted another woman to come in to fulfill his fantasy of seeing her with another female! You know, I have never once encountered a woman seeking a man to introduce her husband to the joys of man-on-man sex. Now I wonder why that is? It couldn’t be the abundance of girl-girl depictions in pornography, could it?

If you actually want to find someone with whom to have a relationship, stop focusing on the “bi female” part. Think about the kind of person who would be compatible with you and your lifestyle. What do you enjoy? What do you believe? What do you want to share with this person? Give up the assumption that you’ll find one person who will fit with both members of a couple. It might happen, it might not. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, falling for both of you really shouldn’t be a requirement. If a straight man and a bisexual or bicurious woman are looking for other partners for polyamorous relationships, presumably heterosexual, bisexual, and lesbian women, as well as heterosexual and bisexual men, would be reasonable candidates, now wouldn’t they?

If you’re looking for a real live sex toy or an interchangeable, faceless partner, hire a professional. You might also try checking out swingers groups instead of poly groups if sex is your primary goal. Unicorns are rare, and honestly, most of those you find in polyamorous groups are not interested in what you’re offering.

6 thoughts on “Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

  1. So me and my husband have searched all the dating sites for a unicorn female we’ve been married 9yrs and very happy wanting to spice up our sex life it’s been 4months now and lots of money later still no unicorn for us can anyone help where should we go to find a female unicorn to meet up with urgh

    1. Did you not read the article? I think you completely missed the point, one way or another.

      If you’re just wanting a woman to have sex with you and your husband, hire one outright. I don’t know how one goes about doing that, but I’m sure you can figure it out.

  2. Hi, I have a serious and like legit question. Whats the difference between a unicorn and a bisexual woman to join a family? The reason I’m asking is because me and my husband both desperately want another woman to join our family; you know love, marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. We keep hearing the term “unicorn” thrown around but we are NOT looking for a sex toy. However at the same time we are also looking for someone who doesn’t mind our adventurous life style.

    1. Hello, Isis. There’s no difference at all – you’re looking for a unicorn.

      You’re presenting yourselves as a couple, not as two individuals, and expecting someone to come along and fall in love with you as a group rather than with either of you as an individual. That’s unrealistic and unfair. It doesn’t sound like you’re seeking an equal partner, but a fantasy. And that’s the essence of a unicorn.

      For further details, I direct you to an article that’s newer than mine at .

  3. Hi, I am in a poly relationship with a wonderful man and we’re looking to add a wonderful woman to our loving and warm family. We have two young children and we want them to grow up in a loving and caring community, a village really. We’re specifically looking for an attractive young woman trained in the Tantric arts or willing to be trained that can work from home(our home). To be an integrated and beloved member of our close knit family she must also be willing to cook, clean and look after the children(but not do the dishes, that’s my hubby’s duty, what an amazing man!!!). So as you see, definitely not a unicorn.

    BTW, loved the article, it really resonated with my sensibilities!

  4. Hi, I was reading the article, but it seems as though allll of you have missed the entire point she was trying to bring out! If you are in a heterosexual relationship and you want a woman to join your relationship whether it be for sex or babysitting then you’re looking for a “third” or “unicorn.” I can’t sum it up any simpler man lol. This includes any duties such as house work, sex, dinners, trips, etc. I really don’t know maybe your husband is controlling you behind the keyboard and urging you to keep pursuing, but if you’re so happy why do you need an additional person whether that be male or female? I’m just saying

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Begin typing your search term above and press enter to search. Press ESC to cancel.

Back To Top