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What I learned from my past relationships

So I actu­al­ly heard from some­one via Orkut. I can’t remem­ber if that’s ever hap­pened to me before or not.

Any­way, I went to check out this per­son­’s pro­file, and real­ized mine was way out of date. Some­day, I swear, I’m going to repro­duce all the ques­tions all those dif­fer­ent places ask right here on my own site, keep that up to date, and refuse to fill out any oth­er pro­files.

Any­way, one of the fields was “From my past rela­tion­ships I learned…” I found the ques­tion more inter­est­ing that most, so I’m repro­duc­ing my answer here, expand­ed a bit.
from my past rela­tion­ships i learned: Some­thing dif­fer­ent every time 🙂 A few of them:

Hon­esty is the only way to relate that’s worth both­er­ing with.
Love isn’t enough.

Com­mu­ni­ca­tion is price­less.

Rela­tion­ships take lots of work from every­one, and some­times they just aren’t sus­tain­able.

Sex is often the canary in the rela­tion­ship mine. Bar­ring health issues that make sex impos­si­ble or unlike­ly, a decrease in sex­u­al inti­ma­cy is usu­al­ly due to a decrease in over­all inti­ma­cy, which is Bad.

There’s no under­stand­ing crazy. Just walk away with as much of your san­i­ty intact as pos­si­ble.

Nobody deserves abuse.

Stay­ing togeth­er is sel­dom “best for the kids.” In fact, I’ve yet to see a sit­u­a­tion in which it was best for any­one.

There’s no way one (sane) per­son in a cou­ple or oth­er group­ing is hap­py if the oth­er is mis­er­able.

If some­one changes in a big way right after you get mar­ried, start try­ing to get an annul­ment. He isn’t the per­son you thought you knew.

While an adult can lie to you eas­i­ly, his kids can’t. Nei­ther can his pets. If either does­n’t behave con­sis­tent­ly with what she says, or she does­n’t treat them the way she says she believes in rais­ing kids or pets or what­ev­er, she’s a liar. Leave before you get any clos­er.

Some things are worth the pos­si­bil­i­ty of a bro­ken heart.

“If you real­ly loved me you’d…” means that the speak­er is an abu­sive ass­hole try­ing to get you to do some­thing that’s unhealthy for you.

Play­ing togeth­er is essen­tial. So is work­ing togeth­er.

Peo­ple are not projects.

Knights are noto­ri­ous for set­ting up new tow­ers with you inside them. The only safe “res­cue” is the DIY ver­sion, where you just walk out of the prison

What are yours?

13 comments to What I learned from my past relationships

  • 1. No one is your “last and only” chance to be loved.

    2. No mat­ter how well you think you’re hid­ing it, the peo­ple who love you are going to see the things that aren’t quite right.

    3. You are allowed to have a no.

    4. Not all rela­tion­ships end because they were bad. Some­times they end just because life throws too many curve­balls all at once.

  • This should be required read­ing for every­one, y’know.

  • Cyn

    Flat­tery! I await your wis­dom, madam.

    Your blog’s feed is still bro­ken 🙁 I wish you’d set up a Feed­burn­er ver­sion, as I do miss read­ing your mis­sives.

  • Tnx, m’dear!

    I’m fresh out of wis­dom, bat­tling dol­drums, but I *will* try and set up some­thing to let you read the blog (when I start writ­ing it, again…) more eas­i­ly.

    Thanks for the link!

  • There are some lessons I real­ly should have learned by now, but I’m not sure if I actu­al­ly have.

    For instance, I’ve always known that you won’t be able to change your part­ner. Some­day I’ll actu­al­ly learn that my part­ner may not be able to change him­self.

    Some­day I’ll learn to pat atten­tion if a part­ner’s self ass­es­ment is at odds with her behav­ior.

    I think I may have final­ly leaned that dat­ing much younger men just isn’t like­ly to work out well for me.

    If you’re some­one’s sec­ond choice, don’t both­er.

    Tell your part­ner how you feel. She’s not psy­chic, but she should want to know.

  • Cyn

    Well, there’s not able to change, and there’s not total­ly want­i­ng to change or hav­ing change be sus­tain­able. And no mat­ter how much some­one loves you, a per­son chang­ing for you instead of for them­selves isn’t sus­tain­able 🙁

  • I think I actu­al­ly found every­one on my orkut friends list myself, but I was­n’t aware you were there. I don’t actu­al­ly go there reg­u­lar­ly, so I haven’t sent you a friend request as of this moment. 🙂

    One les­son that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly per­son of inter­est only real­ly becomes inter­est­ed in talk­ing with you when they are hav­ing issues with their part­ner, run away. I sup­pose it’s self-evi­dent (and a vari­ant on HopeEv­ey’s sec­ond choice bit), but it was part of a harsh les­son I need­ed sev­er­al years ago.

  • Pragya

    well its all the good rea­sons writ­ten here but the most one which touched my hear and accrod­ing to me which is truth that is this one

    One les­son that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly per­son of inter­est only real­ly becomes inter­est­ed in talk­ing with you when they are hav­ing issues with their part­ner, run away. I sup­pose it’s self-evi­dent (and a vari­ant on HopeEvey’s sec­ond choice bit), but it was part of a harsh les­son I need­ed sev­er­al years ago.

    real­ly its a actu­all rea­son
    thanks
    Regards
    Pragya Shar­ma

  • djb@fairadsl.co.uk

    A good rela­tion­ship is made from many things, but the most impor­tant seem to be, Lis­ten to each oth­er, trust one anoth­er and make time for each oth­er. If these sim­ple rules are fol­lowed it may not stop bad rela­tion­ships from end­ing, but it could well strength­en oth­ers.

  • omft

    my girl­friend just broke up with me an hour ago and i thought read­ing some blog posts about rela­tion­ships might cheer me up. It did­nt

  • cyn

    I’m afraid it isn’t a “feel good” post so much as an attempt to be com­plete­ly hon­est, and maybe help some­one avoid mak­ing the same mis­takes I’ve made.

    Did you at least learn some­thing from your expe­ri­ences that might lead to bet­ter rela­tion­ships in the future?

  • omft

    if that com­ment was for me we actu­al­ly got back toegeth­er the very next day. I did not real­ize how much i loved her until I lost her. We are giv­ing it a sec­ond chance

  • cyn

    Yes, it was for you. Good luck to you both! 🙂