So I actually heard from someone via Orkut. I can’t remember if that’s ever happened to me before or not.
Anyway, I went to check out this person’s profile and realized mine was way out of date. Someday, I swear, I’m going to reproduce all the questions all those different places ask right here on my own site, keep that up to date, and refuse to fill out any other profiles.
Anyway, one of the fields was “From my past relationships I learned:” I found the question more interesting than most, so I’m reproducing my answer here, expanded a bit.
from my past relationships I learned: Something different every time 🙂 A few of them:
Honesty is the only way to relate that’s worth bothering with.
Love isn’t enough.
Communication is priceless.
Relationships take lots of work from everyone, and sometimes they just aren’t sustainable.
Sex is often the canary in the relationship mine. Barring health issues that make sex impossible or unlikely, a decrease in sexual intimacy is usually due to a decrease in overall intimacy, which is Bad.
There’s no understanding crazy. Just walk away with as much of your sanity intact as possible.
Nobody deserves abuse.
Staying together is seldom “best for the kids.” In fact, I’ve yet to see a situation in which it was best for anyone if there’s abuse happening.
There’s no way one (sane) person in a couple or other grouping is happy if the other is miserable.
If someone changes in a big way right after you get married, start trying to get an annulment. He isn’t the person you thought you knew.
While an adult can lie to you easily, his kids can’t. Neither can his pets. If either doesn’t behave consistently with what she says, or she doesn’t treat them the way she says she believes in raising kids or pets or whatever, she’s a liar. Leave before you get any closer.
Some things are worth the possibility of a broken heart.
“If you really loved me you’d…” means that the speaker is an abusive asshole trying to get you to do something that’s unhealthy for you.
Playing together is essential. So is working together.
People are not projects.
Knights are notorious for setting up new towers with you inside them. The only safe “rescue” is the DIY version, where you just walk out of the prison
What are yours?
1. No one is your “last and only” chance to be loved.
2. No matter how well you think you’re hiding it, the people who love you are going to see the things that aren’t quite right.
3. You are allowed to have a no.
4. Not all relationships end because they were bad. Sometimes they end just because life throws too many curveballs all at once.
This should be required reading for everyone, y’know.
Flattery! I await your wisdom, madam.
Your blog’s feed is still broken 🙁 I wish you’d set up a Feedburner version, as I do miss reading your missives.
Tnx, m’dear!
I’m fresh out of wisdom, battling doldrums, but I *will* try and set up something to let you read the blog (when I start writing it, again…) more easily.
Thanks for the link!
There are some lessons I really should have learned by now, but I’m not sure if I actually have.
For instance, I’ve always known that you won’t be able to change your partner. Someday I’ll actually learn that my partner may not be able to change himself.
Someday I’ll learn to pat attention if a partner’s self assesment is at odds with her behavior.
I think I may have finally leaned that dating much younger men just isn’t likely to work out well for me.
If you’re someone’s second choice, don’t bother.
Tell your partner how you feel. She’s not psychic, but she should want to know.
Well, there’s not able to change, and there’s not totally wanting to change or having change be sustainable. And no matter how much someone loves you, a person changing for you instead of for themselves isn’t sustainable 🙁
I think I actually found everyone on my orkut friends list myself, but I wasn’t aware you were there. I don’t actually go there regularly, so I haven’t sent you a friend request as of this moment. 🙂
One lesson that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly person of interest only really becomes interested in talking with you when they are having issues with their partner, run away. I suppose it’s self-evident (and a variant on HopeEvey’s second choice bit), but it was part of a harsh lesson I needed several years ago.
well its all the good reasons written here but the most one which touched my hear and accroding to me which is truth that is this one
One lesson that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly person of interest only really becomes interested in talking with you when they are having issues with their partner, run away. I suppose it’s self-evident (and a variant on HopeEvey’s second choice bit), but it was part of a harsh lesson I needed several years ago.
really its a actuall reason
thanks
Regards
Pragya Sharma
A good relationship is made from many things, but the most important seem to be, Listen to each other, trust one another and make time for each other. If these simple rules are followed it may not stop bad relationships from ending, but it could well strengthen others.
my girlfriend just broke up with me an hour ago and i thought reading some blog posts about relationships might cheer me up. It didnt
I’m afraid it isn’t a “feel good” post so much as an attempt to be completely honest, and maybe help someone avoid making the same mistakes I’ve made.
Did you at least learn something from your experiences that might lead to better relationships in the future?
if that comment was for me we actually got back toegether the very next day. I did not realize how much i loved her until I lost her. We are giving it a second chance
Yes, it was for you. Good luck to you both! 🙂