Graduate School Barbie

I’m post­ing this large­ly for kel­li­na­tor’s sake:

Grad­u­ate School Bar­bie comes in two forms:
Delu­sion­al Mas­ter’s Barbie™
Ph.D. Masochist Barbie™.

Every Grad­u­ate School Bar­bie comes with these fun-filled fea­tures guar­an­teed to delight and enter­tain for hours:

  • Grad School Bar­bie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks of research or her first advi­sor meet­ing (whichev­er comes first).
  • Adorable black cir­cles under her delight­ful­ly blood­shot eyes!
  • Comes with two out­fits: a grub­by pair of blue jeans and 5‑year-old gap T‑shirt, and a flop­py pair of gray sweat­pants with a match­ing “Go F*!k Your­self” T‑shirt.
  • Grad School Bar­bie talks! Just press the but­ton on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phras­es like, “Yes, Pro­fes­sor, It’ll be done by tomor­row” “I’d love to write it all over again” and “Why the hell did­n’t I just get a job, I could have been mak­ing $35,000 a year by now if I had just start­ed work­ing with a Bach­e­lor’s. But noooooo, Mom and dad want­ed a doc­tor­ate in the fam­i­ly”; “I wish some­body would drop a bomb on the school so that I’d have an excuse to stop work­ing on my degree that’s suck­ing every last drop of life force out of my with­ered and degrad­ed excuse for a soul…” (9 V lithi­um bat­ter­ies sold separately)
  • Grad School Bar­bie is anatom­i­cal­ly cor­rect to teach kids about the excit­ing changes that come with pur­su­ing high­er edu­ca­tion. Remov­able pan­els on Bar­bi­e’s head and tor­so allow you to watch as her cere­bel­lum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stom­ach lin­ing grad­u­al­ly dis­solves into nothing.

Bar­bie comes with spe­cial­ly designed eye ducts: just add a lit­tle water and watch Grad School Bar­bie burst into tears at ran­dom intervals. 

Deluxe Grad School Bar­bie comes with a “Snap” but­ton, bend­able arms and legs, and a small vibrat­ing motor. Press the but­ton to watch Bar­bie crum­ple into the fetal posi­tion and trem­ble uncon­trol­lably. Fun for the whole family!

Oth­er acces­sories include:

  • Grad School Bar­bi­e’s Fun Fridge™ Well stocked with microwave pop­corn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat-free!), and a small bot­tle of Mat­tel Brand Rum™
  • Grad School Bar­bi­e’s Med­i­cine Cab­i­net. Comes in Fab­u­lous pink and con­tains Bar­bie-sized bot­tles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zan­tac, and your choice of three fun anti-anx­i­ety drugs! (Bar­bie Med­i­cine Cab­i­net not avail­able with­out a prescription)
  • Grad School Bar­bi­e’s Com­put­er Work­sta­tion. Comes with minia­ture obso­lete PC (pink of course), rick­ety desk, and over a dozen minia­ture Moun­tain Dew cans to dec­o­rate your work­sta­tion with (Moun­tain Dew deposit not includ­ed in price, tech sup­port sold separately)

And Grad School Bar­bie is not alone! Order now and you’ll get two of Bar­bi­e’s great friends!

GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Bar­bi­e’s men­tor and advi­sor in her quest for increased edu­ca­tion and decreased self-esteem. Grad Advi­sor Ken™ comes with a sup­ply of red pens and a per­ma­nent frown. Press the but­ton to hear Grad Advi­sor Ken deliv­er such wis­dom to Bar­bie as

  • “I need an update on your progress” 
  • “I don’t think you’ll be ready to grad­u­ate yet”
  • “This is nowhere near ready for publication.”

Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Bar­bi­e’s Defense Committee!
(Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.) 

REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Bar­bie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skip­per™, who got a job after get­ting her bach­e­lor’s degree. Press the but­ton to hear Real Job Skip­per say, “Some­times wish I went for my mas­ter’s degree” and, “Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!”
(Real Job Skip­per’s Work Wardrobe, Sav­ings Account, and New Car sold separately.)

WARNING: Do not place Grad Stu­dent Bar­bie and Real Job Skip­per too close to each oth­er, as there have been sev­er­al mys­te­ri­ous cas­es of chil­dren leav­ing the room and com­ing back to find Bar­bi­e’s hands mys­te­ri­ous­ly fused to Skip­per’s throat.

Author unknown, but I swiped it from mrp­syk­lops

Cyn is a proud Mommy & Mémé, professional geek, avid reader, fledgling coder, enthusiastic gamer (TTRPGs), occasional singer, and devoted stitcher.
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