By Gene Weingarten
I think we can all agree with our president that gay marriage is a grave threat to America, because if it weren’t, our president would not have this issue to flog and might lose the election, and then who would protect us from being murdered by poorly shaven individuals from Middle Eastern nations?
No, wait. That can’t be right. The reason gay marriage is a grave threat to America must be that if we let gay people marry, the entire hallowed institution of marriage will be disgraced. No one will take marriage seriously anymore. Pretty soon the American divorce rate will start approaching 50 percent, and the sanctity of the whole process will be compromised, with pop stars getting drunk, married, and annulled all on the same weekend. And then, before you know it, people will take marriage so casually that romance and passion themselves will erode, couples will no longer care about how they look to each other, and America will become a nation of people waddling around with keisters the size, texture, and pliability of weather balloons.
Well, that’s not why, anyway. The argument against legalizing gay marriage must be the same as the argument against legalizing drugs: If you legalize gay marriage, everyone will want to do it. Clearly, we all have these massive, pent-up, homosexual urges waiting to erupt, once we get the giddyap go-ahead from the government. George Bush and Dick Cheney might take up residence together in a simply darling Crystal City duplex. If gays are allowed to get married, guys like me will start looking at our wives and thinking, wait a minute, I have to settle for this weak little, squeaky-voiced, thong-wearing thing when Sylvester Stallone is available?
Actually, I guess the real reason to oppose gay marriage is that God is opposed to it, as certified by Leviticus (Lev. 20:13). Because this is an actual book of the Bible, we must obey everything it says literally, which is why Bill Cosby, Newt Gingrich, Albert Einstein, and Bill Clinton have all been duly put to death for adultery, the prescribed punishment (Lev. 20:10). Or why anyone who shaves his head (Lev. 21:5) or wears clothing made from both wool and linen together (Lev. 19:19) or marries a divorced woman (Lev. 21:7) has been publicly condemned as a sinner. Or why any married couple that has sex when the woman is menstruating has been banished from civilized society and left
to wander the earth (Lev. 20:18).
Well, maybe not.
But perhaps the best argument for why gay marriage is a grave threat to America is historical. Historically, when a society begins to condone decadence and licentiousness, it collapses like a souffle in an earthquake. The nations that survive and prosper and become world powers are the ones that adhere to strict moral codes, like Yemen, Djibouti, Myanmar, and that one with all the goats.
Okay, I confess that I don’t really understand why anyone gives a fig about this issue, but I am sure our president knows best, by virtue of his superior brain and his Doctor of Thinkology degree. If he says that it requires a constitutional amendment to rectify this grievous error, then, by gum, I am all for it. I have been looking at the Constitution, actually, and I have to admit that an anti-gay-marriage amendment would fit right in.
You’d hardly know it was there. You could even add it to an existing amendment.
For example, Amendment VIII: “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. Also, ix-nay on the omos-hay, okay?”
But if we do follow this path, we really ought to consider another constitutional amendment, drawing not only from this same intense desire to improve our society but from our increasing willingness to invoke the deity to do so:
Proposed Amendment XXVIII:
“It shall be unlawful to use the U.S. Constitution as a plaything for the politically self-righteous. Violators should all go to Hell.”
Gene Weingarten’s e‑mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org.