Stop The Gay Canadians!

Morford does it again. I can’t stop laughing.

Stop The Gay Cana­di­ans! First icky legal­ized homo­sex­u­al mar­riage, then the apoc­a­lypse. Con­ser­v­a­tive Amer­i­ca trembles

Hordes of quiv­er­ing GOP law­mak­ers and vast throngs of proud­ly homo­pho­bic right-wing Chris­t­ian Amer­i­cans fell into an adorable tizzy the oth­er day as the entire real­ly, real­ly big coun­try of Cana­da announced it will change its law to allow full-on homo­sex­u­al mar­riage any­where in the whole coun­try includ­ing Van­cou­ver and Toron­to and even “that weird province with all the gay French people.”

Hys­te­ria and open weep­ing and pan­icky looks accom­pa­nied the uncon­trol­lable overeat­ing of many stale Ding-Dongs, as mil­lions of sex­u­al­ly con­fused Bush-ites and mem­bers of self-right­eous Bible-icious anti-every­thing groups like the Amer­i­can Fam­i­ly Asso­ci­a­tion, along with entire towns such as Col­orado Springs, were absolute­ly cer­tain the world was com­ing to an end, like, imme­di­ate­ly. I mean, Canada’s right next door!

More­over, they fear, Canada’s deci­sion means the God-giv­en sanc­ti­ty of tepid het­ero mis­sion­ary-posi­tion mar­riage is utter­ly doomed and our inno­cent chil­dren are sure to become fans of mod­ern dance and maybe even old Bar­bra Streisand movies, and all of this will undoubt­ed­ly result in the intro­duc­tion of a pair of wacky gay Cana­di­an neigh­bors on “Every­body Loves Raymond.”

“I don’t real­ly know what this means, what it rep­re­sents, what it entails, what gay peo­ple stand for, where they come from or what they do or why they do it or how they become that way in the first place or even if they’re allowed to vote or fly in air­planes,” announced a very trem­bly George W. Bush at a hasti­ly arranged press con­fer­ence in the Super Mega Het­ero Gun Room of the White House.

“But I do know we won’t stand for it, and if these gul-dang fur­riner evil­do­ers think they can get away with these kinds of ten­der unions and hand hold­ings and lov­ing smiles and beau­ti­ful inti­mate com­mit­ments, well, they haven’t seen Amer­i­ca’s right­eous fire­pow­er!” he shout­ed, pound­ing his cute lit­tle fist on the podi­um. “We shall pre­vail!” Then he fainted.

Karl Rove, Bush’s mas­ter strate­gist and known devour­er of live pup­pies and breed­er of the admin­is­tra­tion’s swarms of evil fly­ing mon­keys, briefly wad­dled into the sun­light to quick­ly intro­duce the bitchin’ catch­phrase “Wussies of Mass Destruc­tion” into the GOP lex­i­cal armament.

Rove also point­ed out, just before the tiny demon leech­es sucked away what remained of his shriv­eled soul, how Canada’s wicked WMD deci­sion prob­a­bly meant there were sim­i­lar latent gay ter­ror­ist rev­o­lu­tions ready to burst all over Antarc­ti­ca and Poland and prob­a­bly Latvia like some sticky-smooth lubri­cat­ing sub­stance, and they must be stopped before the world is “con­vert­ed” and we all end up get­ting reg­u­lar pedi­cures and drink­ing white wine and belt­ing out the words to “Cabaret” as we cruise around in our pur­ple Miatas.

“As far as I’m told, Cana­da actu­al­ly bor­ders our fine upstand­ing nation,” Bush man­aged to con­tin­ue, after being hoist­ed upright, as a paler-than-usu­al Dick Cheney whis­pered des­per­ate­ly into Bush’s ear while Lynne fran­ti­cal­ly tried to dis­suade their secret les­bian daugh­ter from split­ting for Saskatchewan with her lover on the next flight out.

“This means we as a coun­try are actu­al­ly touch­ing a bunch of gay mar­ried peo­ple right this very minute! Look at this map! It’s like an adja­cen­cy thing! Like some sort of weird tidal wave of gay Cana­di­an peo­ple in love, just wait­ing up north to ride big pink bus­es down here and open chains of well-appoint­ed lit­tle erot­ic choco­late bou­tiques and buy up all the Cher Farewell Tour tick­ets. This will not do!”

Already, Amer­i­ca’s per­spec­tive has been affect­ed. In a shock­ing new poll, ful­ly 41 per­cent of Amer­i­cans now believe the ter­ror­ists respon­si­ble for the 9/11 tragedy were, in fact, gay mar­ried Canadians.

Sim­i­lar­ly, 23 per­cent are now con­vinced Sad­dam Hus­sein was either “some­what” or “almost total­ly” Cana­di­an. Or gay. Or a mem­ber of Loverboy.

AG John Ashcroft, no stranger to uptight asex­u­al homo­pho­bic hyper-Chris­t­ian pul­ing and all too famil­iar with look­ing exact­ly like he just swal­lowed a plea­sure-ribbed con­dom filled with boil­ing road tar, was seen run­ning around the Hall of Jus­tice smack­ing a heavy King James Bible against his skull and dous­ing him­self with buck­ets of holy anoint­ing oil, just before run­ning smack into the bronze left nip­ple of the swathed stat­ue of Lady Jus­tice and knock­ing him­self cold.

Bills were pro­posed. Sanc­tions were rec­om­mend­ed. Emer­gency pre­cau­tions were instilled. Bush vowed to cut Cana­da out of the will. Dick Cheney demand­ed a restric­tion on imports of Cana­da Dry and Cana­di­an maple syrup and an out­right ban on the sale of all Aldo Nova great­est-hits com­pi­la­tion records, countrywide.

Don­ny Rums­feld, feel­ing that a nice bru­tal unpro­voked “regime change” in Cana­da was, of course, long over­due, imme­di­ate­ly called for an insane­ly vio­lent air assault to be quick­ly fol­lowed by an exhaus­tive dead­ly ground inva­sion on Cana­di­an lum­ber­jacks, one that pos­i­tive­ly reeks of bogus mis­in­for­ma­tion and lies and pain and hate and a wild­ly expen­sive mil­i­tary probe into the whole hock­ey thing.

“A real­ly, real­ly long met­al fence is what I endorse,” oozed House major­i­ty leader and not­ed clos­et Vil­lage Peo­ple megafan Tom DeLay, between tongue baths from his per­son­al herd of mild­ly nar­co­tized French poo­dles. And Den­nis Hastert.

“You know, a big strong fence stud­ded all over with those real­ly sharp barb-wire stick­ler thin­gies? Like the kind they use on those leather dog col­lars? The thick black ones with the snaps that feel all tight around your ankles? And you can’t help but squirm and moan and get all gid­dy?” he con­tin­ued before falling into a fit of uncon­trolled swooning.

In the state of Texas except for Austin which every­one knows is sur­pris­ing­ly cool despite how it’s in, you know, Texas, where you still can­not legal­ly buy a dil­do or engage in homo­sex­u­al sex but they pret­ty much hand you a nice big phal­lic shot­gun as a wel­come gift when you vis­it, the leg­is­la­ture imme­di­ate­ly passed a law requir­ing each and every male to smack any oth­er male they see real­ly hard on the back and buy him a pitch­er of bad beer in a man­ly ges­ture of foot­ball-lovin’ patri­ot­ic homo­erot­i­cal­ly repressed solidarity.

Reac­tion was heat­ed. View­points clashed. Fam­i­lies bick­ered. Birds flew. Coun­tries sighed. The U.N. napped. Bel­gians shrugged. Macy’s had a big sale. Love exhaled.

The air was thick with ten­sion. Con­ser­v­a­tives were stu­pe­fied. The reli­gious right, so accus­tomed to view­ing big scary cities like San Fran­cis­co and Ams­ter­dam as debauched hedo­nis­tic Sodom-a-raf­fic plea­sure palaces to be avoid­ed like a good book or a gen­uine orgasm or an orig­i­nal thought, sud­den­ly took one look at a map of the world and noticed the size of Cana­da and went, holy crap.

Pat Robert­son qui­et­ly dreamed of mar­ry­ing Jer­ry Fal­well. Every­one open­ly dreamed of pimp-slap­ping Franklin Gra­ham. Wal-Marts in Cana­da were forced to car­ry issues of Bust and Hon­cho. Strange­ly, sales of Jack­ham­mer Jesus dil­dos increased a hun­dred­fold. Most­ly in Texas.

Mean­while, the rest of the large­ly benev­o­lent and open-heart­ed and divine­ly attuned polyamorous uni­verse just laughed and nod­ded very, very approv­ing­ly at Cana­da and said, well Jesus with a rid­ing crop and a rain­bow flag, it’s about god­damn time, you know?

Cyn is Rick's wife, Katie's Mom, and Esther & Oliver's Mémé. She's also a professional geek, avid reader, fledgling coder, enthusiastic gamer (TTRPGs), occasional singer, and devoted stitcher.
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