Biblical Marriage

As cer­tain politi­cians work dili­gent­ly to pre­vent mar­riage between two peo­ple of the same sex, oth­ers of us have been busy draft­ing a Con­sti­tu­tion­al Amend­ment cod­i­fy­ing all mar­riages entire­ly on bib­li­cal prin­ci­ples. After all, God would­n’t want us to “pick and choose” which of the Scrip­tures we ele­vate to civ­il law and which we choose to ignore:

Draft of a Con­sti­tu­tion­al Amend­ment to Defend Bib­li­cal Marriage:

• Mar­riage in the Unit­ed States of Amer­i­ca shall con­sist of a union between one man and one or more women. Gen­e­sis 29:17–28; II Samuel 3:2–5.
• Mar­riage shall not impede a man’s right to take con­cu­bines in addi­tion to his wife or wives. II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron­i­cles 11:21
• A mar­riage shall be con­sid­ered valid only if the wife is a vir­gin. If the wife is not a vir­gin, she shall be exe­cut­ed. Deuteron­o­my 22:13–21
• Mar­riage of a believ­er and a non-believ­er shall be for­bid­den. Gen­e­sis 24:3; Num­bers 25:1–9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemi­ah 10:30, 2 Corinthi­ans 6:14
• Since mar­riage is for life, nei­ther the US Con­sti­tu­tion nor any state law shall per­mit divorce. Deuteron­o­my 22:19; Mark 10:9–12
• If a mar­ried man dies with­out chil­dren, his broth­er must mar­ry the wid­ow. If the broth­er refus­es to mar­ry the wid­ow, or delib­er­ate­ly does not give her chil­dren, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be oth­er­wise pun­ished in a man­ner to be deter­mined by law. Gen­e­sis 38:6–10; Deuteron­o­my 25:5–10
• In lieu of mar­riage (if there are no accept­able men to be found), a woman shall get her father drunk and have sex with him. Gen­e­sis 19:31–36

I hope this helps to clar­i­fy the fin­er details of the Gov­ern­men­t’s right­eous strug­gle against the infi­dels and hea­thens among us. 

(orig­i­nal author unknown)