Reflecting On the Past Year

wordcandlemage mentioned this week that he does his yearly review/resolutions on his birthday for his personal new year instead of at Samhain or the calendar New Year. I’d been feeling very introspective/retrospective already, and I’ve decided to swipe the idea from him.

This week’s affirmation as posted by keiracaitlyn was right on target:
New understanding emerges as I see old disappointments turn around and bring my dreams into being. I increase my faith in the Universe with the understanding that my path to attainment may not be easily seen for what it is but is always realized nevertheless.

I have to say that I think we’re in a better place this year than last year, although some people might find that odd. Of course, last year I had a miscarriage and we had to hospitalize G for suicidal ideation during the week of my birthday. This week definitely rates much higher than that one.

For instance, sambear has been unemployed or underemployed for months now. But he was in a job that he hated, and he was miserable. He’s much happier and searching for a better job. We reduced our living expenses as much as we could, and we’re surviving.

Sam’s kids went to live with their mother. We don’t think that’s the best place for them or a healthy place at all. We fought it and lost. But our home is a more peaceful place than ever before. Yes, we worry about them, but we have to be Zen about it. We might as well enjoy the peace while we have it. We have more energy for shadowkatt, each other, and relationships with other people.

Instead of dealing with constant conflict and low-level crises (sometimes high-level ones, like G’s hospitalization), we’ve only had one crisis in the last three months. It wasn’t directly avoidable and we dealt with it quite well with help from our family and friends.

I went back to college. Finally! That was part of a real sea-change for me, to be honest. For the first time in my adult life, I decided to make my plans based on what I wanted for myself and shadowkatt, period. I explained to sambear that he could be with me or not, but that I was moving ahead.

That may sound like a bad thing or something that would indicate trouble in our relationship. While it did come as a result of trouble in our relationship, it’s not a bad thing for the relationship. Instead, it’s about me finally defining myself primarily as me, not as part of a relationship. I am responsible for myself and my child—not for my partner(s). Nobody else is responsible for us. My life is, indeed, all about me.

That actually allows me to have a healthier relationship with sambear and any other SOs, because they aren’t built on dependence at all. Healthy interdependence, yes. But I don’t feel trapped anymore. I know that I can thrive on my own, that I can take care of Katie and me, and that we’ll always be fine.

I’ve refocused on improving my health in any way I can, without regard to whether or not I have all the access to medical care that I’d like. I’m taking back my power.

I’ve also made some progress in not being in a constant state of combat readiness as noelfigart put it, when kids are around. I’m able to relax much more than before while still being a good parent.

Two things that I really miss—the quad and Trybalaka—have left our lives since last year. We’re still on very good terms with ga_sunshine and greyknight, though, which is a blessing. And I got an email out of the blue this week from someone who wants to form a new group!

So yes, it has been a good year. Since this is already so long, I’ll do resolutions in another post.

Current Mood: 🙂satisfied
Cyn is Rick's wife, Katie's Mom, and Esther & Oliver's Mémé. She's also a professional geek, avid reader, fledgling coder, enthusiastic gamer (TTRPGs), occasional singer, and devoted stitcher.
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