From the Ministry of Silly Wars

From the Min­istry of Sil­ly Wars

Let­ter to the Observer
Sun­day Jan­u­ary 26, 2003

Ter­ry Jones

I’m real­ly excit­ed by George Bush’s lat­est rea­son for bomb­ing Iraq: he’s run­ning out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I’ve been real­ly pissed off with Mr John­son, who lives a cou­ple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I’m sure Mr John­son is plan­ning some­thing nasty for me, but so far I haven’t been able to dis­cov­er what.

I’ve been round to his place a few times to see what he’s up to, but he’s got every­thing well hid­den. That’s how devi­ous he is. As for Mr Patel, don’t ask me how I know, I just know — from very good sources — that he is, in real­i­ty, a Mass Mur­der­er. I have leaflet­ed the street telling them that if we don’t act first, he’ll pick us off one by one. Some of my neigh­bours say, if I’ve got proof, why don’t I go to the police? But that’s sim­ply ridicu­lous. The police will say that they need evi­dence of a crime with which to charge my neigh­bours. They’ll come up with end­less red tape and quib­bling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emp­tive strike and all the while Mr John­son will be final­is­ing his plans to do ter­ri­ble things to me, while Mr Patel will be secret­ly mur­der­ing people.

Since I’m the only one in the street with a decent range of auto­mat­ic firearms, I reck­on it’s up to me to keep the peace. But until recent­ly that’s been a lit­tle dif­fi­cult. Now, how­ev­er, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do what­ev­er I want!

And let’s face it, Mr Bush’s care­ful­ly thought-out pol­i­cy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about inter­na­tion­al peace and secu­ri­ty. The one cer­tain way to stop Mus­lim fun­da­men­tal­ist sui­cide bombers tar­get­ing the US or the UK is to bomb a few Mus­lim coun­tries that have nev­er threat­ened us.

That’s why I want to blow up Mr John­son’s garage and kill his wife and chil­dren. Strike first! That’ll teach him a les­son. Then he’ll leave us in peace and stop peer­ing at me in that total­ly unac­cept­able way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bomb­ing Iraq is that Sad­dam is a real­ly nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruc­tion — even if no one can find them. I’m cer­tain I’ve just as much jus­ti­fi­ca­tion for killing Mr John­son’s wife and chil­dren as Mr Bush has for bomb­ing Iraq. Mr Bush’s long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by elim­i­nat­ing ‘rogue states’ and ‘ter­ror­ism’. It’s such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you’ve achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he’s wiped out all ter­ror­ists? When every sin­gle ter­ror­ist is dead? But then a ter­ror­ist is only a ter­ror­ist once he’s com­mit­ted an act of terror.

What about would-be ter­ror­ists? These are the ones you real­ly want to elim­i­nate, since most of the known ter­ror­ists, being sui­cide bombers, have already elim­i­nat­ed themselves.

Per­haps Mr Bush needs to wipe out every­one who could pos­si­bly be a future ter­ror­ist? Maybe he can’t be sure he’s achieved his objec­tive until every Mus­lim fun­da­men­tal­ist is dead? But then some mod­er­ate Mus­lims might con­vert to fun­da­men­tal­ism. Maybe the only real­ly safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to elim­i­nate all Muslims?

It’s the same in my street. Mr John­son and Mr Patel are just the tip of the ice­berg. There are dozens of oth­er peo­ple in the street who I don’t like and who — quite frankly — look at me in odd ways. No one will be real­ly safe until I’ve wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I’m sim­ply using the same log­ic as the Pres­i­dent of the Unit­ed States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I’ve run out of patience, and if that’s a good enough rea­son for the Pres­i­dent, it’s good enough for me. I’m going to give the whole street two weeks — no, 10 days — to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and inter­plan­e­tary hijack­ers, galac­tic out­laws and inter­stel­lar ter­ror­ist mas­ter­minds, and if they don’t hand them over nice­ly and say ‘Thank you’, I’m going to bomb the entire street to king­dom come.

It’s just as sane as what George W. Bush is propos­ing — and, in con­trast to what he’s intend­ing, my pol­i­cy will destroy only one street.

Cyn is a proud Mommy & Mémé, professional geek, avid reader, fledgling coder, enthusiastic gamer (TTRPGs), occasional singer, and devoted stitcher.
Posts created 4241

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Related Posts

Begin typing your search term above and press enter to search. Press ESC to cancel.

Back To Top