Weird Realization

Weird real­iza­tion…

I don’t trust monog­a­mous peo­ple who have any expressed or per­ceived inter­est in my part­ners, even if it’s in the dis­tant past, to be cur­rent friends with my partners.

It isn’t about my lev­el of trust in my part­ners. It’s not about monog­a­mous peo­ple in gen­er­al. For instance, some of you are monog­a­mous peo­ple with whom we’re friends. I have zero prob­lems with that. In fact, at least one per­son who’ll prob­a­bly read this is cur­rent­ly monog­a­mous and has a his­to­ry with sam­bear. I don’t have a prob­lem with that per­son, either.

But peo­ple who I don’t know well enough to trust per­son­al­ly who are tru­ly monogamous—nope, not okay. In my expe­ri­ence, too many monog­a­mous peo­ple don’t real­ly have healthy friend­ships with peo­ple of what­ev­er gen­der they’re attract­ed to most strong­ly. They have that “but what if” thing going on in the back of their minds when inter­act­ing with any­one they see as a poten­tial partner.

Yes, I know there are poly peo­ple who do that too. I know there are poly peo­ple who are not trust­wor­thy and who are manip­u­la­tive. But with poly peo­ple, if the attrac­tion does bloom they’re more like­ly to say, “Oh, wow—let’s explore this” or “So what’s involved in us being lovers?” open­ly rather than turn­ing to cheat.

But my per­son­al pre-Sam his­to­ry includes too many exam­ples of monog­a­mous “just friends” turn­ing into cheat­ing. Obvi­ous­ly, my part­ners bore equal blame for what hap­pened, but I’m left with a resid­ual dis­trust of monog­a­mous peo­ple. That may be because in sev­er­al cas­es polyamory was thrown back at me as jus­ti­fi­ca­tion for what hap­pened as if the fact that I was poly should make me cool with any­thing. I haven’t seen poly peo­ple try that lit­tle bit of nonsense.

Nope, not whol­ly log­i­cal. But there ya go.

Actu­al­ly, now that I’m think­ing about it, I prob­a­bly have a gen­er­al mis­trust of monog­a­mous peo­ple sim­ply because most of the monog­a­mous peo­ple I’ve ever known were seri­al­ly monog­a­mous, in many cas­es with “over­lap” between sup­pos­ed­ly monog­a­mous rela­tion­ships. AKA cheating.

I don’t think the dis­trust trans­lates into prej­u­dice, but the pos­si­bil­i­ty bears more examination.

Cur­rent Mood: 🤔thought­ful
Cyn is Rick's wife, Katie's Mom, and Esther & Oliver's Mémé. She's also a professional geek, avid reader, fledgling coder, enthusiastic gamer (TTRPGs), occasional singer, and devoted stitcher.
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