Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

I was one of sev­er­al peo­ple who start­ed the first major poly group in Atlanta, Poly South­east. I start­ed the web­site, anoth­er guy ran the main mail­ing list, I got a PSE per­son­als list going, etc. Alto­geth­er there were few­er than ten peo­ple to whom we loose­ly referred as “the Poly South­east Coun­cil.” After maybe 15–20 years, Atlanta Polyamory grew out of what we had started.

Over time, we saw lots and lots of peo­ple come and go. And there was one type of per­son (or cou­ple or oth­er units) who some came to refer to as “seek­ing the uni­corn.” The intro­duc­to­ry post usu­al­ly read some­thing like this: “Hap­pi­ly mar­ried cou­ple seeks bi female to join our fam­i­ly, 20–30 years old, height/weight pro­por­tion­al.” Fre­quent­ly, these peo­ple want­ed some­one to help raise their kids but who did­n’t have/want any of her own. I still see the same uni­corn seek­ers today in poly fora everywhere.

Guess what? Just know­ing that a cou­ple is specif­i­cal­ly look­ing for a bi female to be with them sex­u­al­ly is enough to send most sin­gle bisex­u­al females run­ning. Do you know why? Because there are too damned many peo­ple out there want­i­ng a ménage á trois fan­ta­sy that would be bet­ter ful­filled by hir­ing a sex work­er. They just want some bi female, any bi female—they aren’t inter­est­ed in a par­tic­u­lar woman because of who she is. They want a female to have sex­u­al expe­ri­ences with. That’s it. Bi female as a sex toy, there ya go.

This is not a flat­ter­ing thought, just in case any­one was won­der­ing. While I imag­ine there might be some­one who would be hap­py to sim­ply be used to kick­start some­one’s sex life, it isn’t what any­one I have ever known is seek­ing in a rela­tion­ship. And polyamory is about relationships—not just sex.

What I find even more offen­sive is when a guy is look­ing for a bisex­u­al woman to have sex with his wife, and it sounds like his wife prob­a­bly isn’t even involved with this process. I have, in fact, seen some­one who was cer­tain that his wife would real­ly like hav­ing sex with anoth­er woman, even though she did­n’t want to do so, and want­ed anoth­er woman to come in to ful­fill his fan­ta­sy of see­ing her with anoth­er female! You know, I have nev­er once encoun­tered a woman seek­ing a man to intro­duce her hus­band to the joys of man-on-man sex. Now I won­der why that is? It could­n’t be the abun­dance of girl-girl depic­tions in pornog­ra­phy, could it?

If you actu­al­ly want to find some­one with whom to have a rela­tion­ship, stop focus­ing on the “bi female” part. Think about the kind of per­son who would be com­pat­i­ble with you and your lifestyle. What do you enjoy? What do you believe? What do you want to share with this per­son? Give up the assump­tion that you’ll find one per­son who will fit with both mem­bers of a cou­ple. It might hap­pen, it might not. If you’re look­ing for a seri­ous rela­tion­ship, falling for both of you real­ly should­n’t be a require­ment. If a straight man and a bisex­u­al or bicu­ri­ous woman are look­ing for oth­er part­ners for polyamorous rela­tion­ships, pre­sum­ably het­ero­sex­u­al, bisex­u­al, and les­bian women, as well as het­ero­sex­u­al and bisex­u­al men, would be rea­son­able can­di­dates, now would­n’t they?

If you’re look­ing for a real live sex toy or an inter­change­able, face­less part­ner, hire a pro­fes­sion­al. You might also try check­ing out swingers groups instead of poly groups if sex is your pri­ma­ry goal. Uni­corns are rare, and hon­est­ly, most of those you find in polyamorous groups are not inter­est­ed in what you’re offering.

6 thoughts on “Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

  1. So me and my hus­band have searched all the dat­ing sites for a uni­corn female we’ve been mar­ried 9yrs and very hap­py want­i­ng to spice up our sex life it’s been 4months now and lots of mon­ey lat­er still no uni­corn for us can any­one help where should we go to find a female uni­corn to meet up with urgh

    1. Did you not read the arti­cle? I think you com­plete­ly missed the point, one way or another.

      If you’re just want­i­ng a woman to have sex with you and your hus­band, hire one out­right. I don’t know how one goes about doing that, but I’m sure you can fig­ure it out.

  2. Hi, I have a seri­ous and like legit ques­tion. Whats the dif­fer­ence between a uni­corn and a bisex­u­al woman to join a fam­i­ly? The rea­son I’m ask­ing is because me and my hus­band both des­per­ate­ly want anoth­er woman to join our fam­i­ly; you know love, mar­riage, kids, the whole nine yards. We keep hear­ing the term “uni­corn” thrown around but we are NOT look­ing for a sex toy. How­ev­er at the same time we are also look­ing for some­one who does­n’t mind our adven­tur­ous life style.

    1. Hel­lo, Isis. There’s no dif­fer­ence at all — you’re look­ing for a unicorn.

      You’re pre­sent­ing your­selves as a cou­ple, not as two indi­vid­u­als, and expect­ing some­one to come along and fall in love with you as a group rather than with either of you as an indi­vid­ual. That’s unre­al­is­tic and unfair. It does­n’t sound like you’re seek­ing an equal part­ner, but a fan­ta­sy. And that’s the essence of a unicorn. 

      For fur­ther details, I direct you to an arti­cle that’s new­er than mine at .

  3. Hi, I am in a poly rela­tion­ship with a won­der­ful man and we’re look­ing to add a won­der­ful woman to our lov­ing and warm fam­i­ly. We have two young chil­dren and we want them to grow up in a lov­ing and car­ing com­mu­ni­ty, a vil­lage real­ly. We’re specif­i­cal­ly look­ing for an attrac­tive young woman trained in the Tantric arts or will­ing to be trained that can work from home(our home). To be an inte­grat­ed and beloved mem­ber of our close knit fam­i­ly she must also be will­ing to cook, clean and look after the children(but not do the dish­es, that’s my hub­by’s duty, what an amaz­ing man!!!). So as you see, def­i­nite­ly not a unicorn.

    BTW, loved the arti­cle, it real­ly res­onat­ed with my sensibilities!

  4. Hi, I was read­ing the arti­cle, but it seems as though all­ll of you have missed the entire point she was try­ing to bring out! If you are in a het­ero­sex­u­al rela­tion­ship and you want a woman to join your rela­tion­ship whether it be for sex or babysit­ting then you’re look­ing for a “third” or “uni­corn.” I can’t sum it up any sim­pler man lol. This includes any duties such as house work, sex, din­ners, trips, etc. I real­ly don’t know maybe your hus­band is con­trol­ling you behind the key­board and urg­ing you to keep pur­su­ing, but if you’re so hap­py why do you need an addi­tion­al per­son whether that be male or female? I’m just saying

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