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What I learned from my past relationships

Posted by Cyn | Posted in Relationships | Posted on 09-05-2006

13

So I actually heard from someone via Orkut. I can't remember if that's ever happened to me before or not.

Anyway, I went to check out this person's profile, and realized mine was way out of date. Someday, I swear, I'm going to reproduce all the questions all those different places ask right here on my own site, keep that up to date, and refuse to fill out any other profiles.

Anyway, one of the fields was "From my past relationships I learned…" I found the question more interesting that most, so I'm reproducing my answer here, expanded a bit.
from my past relationships i learned: Something different every time 🙂 A few of them:

Honesty is the only way to relate that's worth bothering with.
Love isn't enough.

Communication is priceless.

Relationships take lots of work from everyone, and sometimes they just aren't sustainable.

Sex is often the canary in the relationship mine. Barring health issues that make sex impossible or unlikely, a decrease in sexual intimacy is usually due to a decrease in overall intimacy, which is Bad.

There's no understanding crazy. Just walk away with as much of your sanity intact as possible.

Nobody deserves abuse.

Staying together is seldom "best for the kids." In fact, I've yet to see a situation in which it was best for anyone.

There's no way one (sane) person in a couple or other grouping is happy if the other is miserable.

If someone changes in a big way right after you get married, start trying to get an annulment. He isn't the person you thought you knew.

While an adult can lie to you easily, his kids can't. Neither can his pets. If either doesn't behave consistently with what she says, or she doesn't treat them the way she says she believes in raising kids or pets or whatever, she's a liar. Leave before you get any closer.

Some things are worth the possibility of a broken heart.

"If you really loved me you'd…" means that the speaker is an abusive asshole trying to get you to do something that's unhealthy for you.

Playing together is essential. So is working together.

People are not projects.

Knights are notorious for setting up new towers with you inside them. The only safe "rescue" is the DIY version, where you just walk out of the prison

What are yours?

Comments (13)

1. No one is your “last and only” chance to be loved.

2. No mat­ter how well you think you’re hid­ing it, the peo­ple who love you are going to see the things that aren’t quite right.

3. You are allowed to have a no.

4. Not all rela­tion­ships end because they were bad. Some­times they end just because life throws too many curve­balls all at once.

This should be required read­ing for every­one, y’know.

Flat­tery! I await your wis­dom, madam.

Your blog’s feed is still bro­ken 🙁 I wish you’d set up a Feed­burn­er ver­sion, as I do miss read­ing your missives.

Tnx, m’dear!

I’m fresh out of wis­dom, bat­tling dol­drums, but I *will* try and set up some­thing to let you read the blog (when I start writ­ing it, again…) more easily.

Thanks for the link!

There are some lessons I real­ly should have learned by now, but I’m not sure if I actu­al­ly have. 

For instance, I’ve always known that you won’t be able to change your part­ner. Some­day I’ll actu­al­ly learn that my part­ner may not be able to change himself. 

Some­day I’ll learn to pat atten­tion if a partner’s self ass­es­ment is at odds with her behavior. 

I think I may have final­ly leaned that dat­ing much younger men just isn’t like­ly to work out well for me.

If you’re someone’s sec­ond choice, don’t bother.

Tell your part­ner how you feel. She’s not psy­chic, but she should want to know.

Well, there’s not able to change, and there’s not total­ly want­i­ng to change or hav­ing change be sus­tain­able. And no mat­ter how much some­one loves you, a per­son chang­ing for you instead of for them­selves isn’t sustainable 🙁

I think I actu­al­ly found every­one on my orkut friends list myself, but I wasn’t aware you were there. I don’t actu­al­ly go there reg­u­lar­ly, so I haven’t sent you a friend request as of this moment. 🙂

One les­son that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly per­son of inter­est only real­ly becomes inter­est­ed in talk­ing with you when they are hav­ing issues with their part­ner, run away. I sup­pose it’s self-evi­dent (and a vari­ant on HopeEvey’s sec­ond choice bit), but it was part of a harsh les­son I need­ed sev­er­al years ago.

well its all the good rea­sons writ­ten here but the most one which touched my hear and accrod­ing to me which is truth that is this one

One les­son that sticks out in my mind is that if a poly per­son of inter­est only real­ly becomes inter­est­ed in talk­ing with you when they are hav­ing issues with their part­ner, run away. I sup­pose it’s self-evi­dent (and a vari­ant on HopeEvey’s sec­ond choice bit), but it was part of a harsh les­son I need­ed sev­er­al years ago.

real­ly its a actu­all reason
thanks
Regards
Pragya Sharma

A good rela­tion­ship is made from many things, but the most impor­tant seem to be, Lis­ten to each oth­er, trust one anoth­er and make time for each oth­er. If these sim­ple rules are fol­lowed it may not stop bad rela­tion­ships from end­ing, but it could well strength­en others.

my girl­friend just broke up with me an hour ago and i thought read­ing some blog posts about rela­tion­ships might cheer me up. It didnt

I’m afraid it isn’t a “feel good” post so much as an attempt to be com­plete­ly hon­est, and maybe help some­one avoid mak­ing the same mis­takes I’ve made.

Did you at least learn some­thing from your expe­ri­ences that might lead to bet­ter rela­tion­ships in the future?

if that com­ment was for me we actu­al­ly got back toegeth­er the very next day. I did not real­ize how much i loved her until I lost her. We are giv­ing it a sec­ond chance

Yes, it was for you. Good luck to you both! 🙂